Macher

Published in Macher fanzine – issue 3
When Crud buyers from the West counties of Devon, Cornwall and Somerset moaned in their letters about having nothing to do, I used to dismiss their claims and state that North Wales is by far a more yawning, boring place. At time of writing I have spent a month in Somerset and fuck me, NOTHING happens here.
If it wasn’t for the sheep I’d have left on my first day. Because there is little to do in these regions. The resident cider drinking country yokels spend their time being concerned with other people’s business.
The other day I farted whilst having a good old dump and the entire population of North West Somerset knew about it. The entire population of Macher readers know my humble magazine has been in the shit quite a few(hundred) times.
The North Wales Constabulary blew a fuse over the shoplifting guide. The North Wales and the Greater Manchester Chigley Fire Brigades sprung a leak over the arsonist advert. A former BBC executive threatened to sue unless I apologised for crediting his name to a poem, and to top it all Geoffrey Dickens MP sent a copy of CRUD 7 to the Home Office for investigation after being appalled by it’s contents. Dare you buy CRUD?
On the 4Q front we’ve been quiet during the spring as I’m in Somerset, but also we’re tired of playing the same old dustbins and lavatories of Britain, and it’s given us breathing space to rehearse a more dynamic approach to our music.
In fact anyone who’s got our early recordings (i.e. 4Q 1 Leeds 0 / The Very Worst Of… / Brain Dead and Barmy In Brighton) might not recognise the songs we do now.
On a more localish note, Anti-apartheid groups of Liverpool University and Denbigh have got Crud listed as a National Front publication(!!!)
I see they’ve got hold of a half-baked story, thrown it in the frying pan and bingo! Another target.
What a bunch of turds. Allegations like that can completely ruin a person, even more so when they are totally unfounded. I’m just glad I didn’t bump into any of the organisations’ members when I first found out because I was very ANGRY.
I still want an apology, although I wlll settle for them to arrange an Anti-apartheid benefit concert with 4Q on the bill.
Right them me maties, keep stretching those condoms and buy lots of Crud so that I can be filthy rich and look down my nose at you all.
All the breast

(Published in Macher fanzine – issue 1)
Hi pop pickers, how honoured I felt when Dave rang me up & asked moi to compile a column in N.Wales’ newest fanzine it’s about time too as the lazy git has been threatening to do one for eons. So, Gogledd Cymru? Well if the UK was desperate for a shit, North WaI-es would be No.1 choice for the arsehole. If you’re young, sick of the crap on TV & can see a little further than the bottom of your pint glass, then there’s fuck all entertain-ment in the area (apart from your twiddley bits). There was a time when a person could hop on the bus & watch the Damned, SLF, Jam, Cockney Rejects, Clash etc. Nowadays yer fuckin lucky if 4Q play in the area. WHY? A considerable lack of venues, & the ones that are available, you either pay through the nose to hire or they are run by non-gambling, dodgy promoters.

4Q have played over 40 gigs outside Wales this year & have only been banned 4 times. We have played 8 gigs in this area & have been SIX times. And yet the stage act is genera-lly the same. So unless your band is called Toni & Terry & you sing shitty pop songs over a Bontempi organ then people are going to get upset. After a lot of thought I’ve concluded that the only decent thing for North Wales is a FUCKING GREAT BOMB!

I understand Rhys Mywn (spelt wrong) has also had the honour of his own column in MACHER, pah! These international rock stars get all the bonuses in life. I also heard that The Flaps have been immobilised for a few months after a car crash. They’re okay but Alan the bassist insisted on breaking his leg. They should’ve been driving faster!!

Thanx for your time & thanx to Dave Belchin Weindecker for the space. If you’re a news-paper editor reviewing this zine- fuck shit piss panty cunty bollock brained bastids. Drop me a line (of white crystallised powder) to THE HOUSE OF CRUD