Macher

Published in Macher fanzine – issue 8
NOW that CRUD and 4Q are near enough fond memories what has replaced them? Macher, in the way of being informative – as far as the Welsh scene is concerned continues to keep in touch, and a-ha PYW DALL have emerged amongst a hail of controversy. I’m in no way stating that Macher or Pyw Dall are Crud/4Q clones (far from it) both are original in their own right. What I’m getting at is that it’s great to see someone else stir shit as Dave did on Ian (stewed to the) Gill’s show stating honest views on Crosville buses among other things.

As well as this, reactions are being stirred in a second rate Welsh magazine called Sothach. Y’know the type I mean, a publication that feels high enough to criticise individuals on a personal basis, when all they’re doing is generating publicity for the people they slag off, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

My wife arrived home the other day and said: “Neil, I’ve got some news, we’re going to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet.’

“Oh, are you pregnant ?’ I replied.”No, I’ve got crabs.’

See you in number nine, in the meantime keep taking the tablets.

Love and sticky white stuff,

CRUD’S Top 10 playlist.

l. All You Need Is Crud-Beatles

2. Addicted to Crud-Robert Palmer

3. Can’t Buy Me Crud-Beatles

4. Let Crud Rule-Lenny Kravitz.

5. One Crud-Bob Marley

6. I Should Be So Cruddie-Kylie Minogue

7. What Time Is Crud-KLF

8. Groovy Kind Of Crud-Phil Collins

9. Dawns Y Crudiau-Yr Anhrefn

l0. Should Crud Stay Or Should Crud Go-The Clash.

Published in Macher fanzine – issue 7
One finds it increasingly difficult to explain the initial sensation of heat differentation when one immerses ones buttocks into a bath of steaming hot water. The same difficulty is encountered when I put the question to why I compile CRUD. The solution to both puzzling queries is similar – it gives me a hard on!!!!!!

CRUD 8 emerged a year ago, the long awaited CRUD 9 will be induced at hospital very shortly. The reason for such a long gap is that although most of you clean living twat bags would like to see there, I could have provoked HM Hit Squad into pushing a prison sentence my way, due to the fact I’ve been on bail for the previous 6 months. And all because I refer to nuns in a different way to Harry Secombe (I bet he thinks the same way though).

4Q as far as I’m concerned is over & done with, although I hear rumours that Cumi is determined to save his ego & flog the already rotting horse even further. If this turns out to be the case I want MACHER readers to know that I have nothing to do with 4Q anymore, & I am totally against non-original members using the name 4Q to pick up on a captive audience.

My plums are prickling on the thought of another MACHER. Dave has now become a legend among zine writers so keep supporting him you ungrateful cunts. That’s it until my next COMPOST CORNER, keep shooting your rocks off & saving your belly button fluff.

Published in Macher fanzine – issue 4

WHILST attempting suicide by smoking I seek inspiration on what to write for my fourth Compost Corner. And of course Crudmas is with us once again, a time to get pissed, stand at the back of the church when listening to Midnight Mass shout ‘Who Are you Giving one this Christmas vicar?’

A time to go carol singing and to piss down the letterbox when the occupant tells you to fuck off.A time to stuff yourself to the point of bursting and smear shit all over the TV screen as the Queen gives her speech (which is a load of shit every year anyway).

Regular Macherites will know I spent the summer in the South West working in a pub learning how to abuse tourists. I’ve concluded that there is nothing worse than the British tourist, they must be the most ill mannered pompous twats I’ve ever met.

Bands? Well 4Q have had a lot of confusion via the press! (or people who contacted the press-M). We should be gigging again by the time you read this so read ‘Sounds’ or ‘Kerrang’ for dates. I think U Thant and The Crumblowers are the first two Welsh bands to give me a hard on since I had a shower with Sion Sebon (he should never have bent over to pick up the soap).

As for English bands I can’t find anything promising, but in Scotland, Political Asylum are worth an earwig. CRUD 8 should be out by now so order a copy taday! If you want to subscribe, send £2 with your address and you’ll get the next five issues.

A quick carol: Good King Crudlas-las of Colwyn Bay, Had a good crap every day, Then one day he crapped so hard, His bum was sore so he soothed it with lard.

Thank you, goodnight and God bless. I love you all, see you in Macher 5. Drive home safely now!