Sminchfest at Hendre Hall, Bangor

(reviewed by BENt TUPTARMAC)

(the annoying Gypo)

Well….how you be doing? This wud be mi first review so it wud of this little annual get together. Well Fiends, this year they woz calling it The SmeenchFest . Well we got there wid the van before the festivities woz to ensue, a grand place that Hendre Hall is by the way.

Any how, me and the boys woz to be playing the music and running one of the two stages that the Smeenchfest woz to take place on and around and thereabouts. An odd bunch turned up at the start, and that was the bands, but the music soon started to flow.
First up on the stage, me and the boys woz running, woz The Inferno, a tree piece combo and my my! dem boys fair cracked out some fairly ferocious tunes, a couple of lamb dinners and generous portion of gravy wouldn’t go amiss somewhere amongst a truly decent appetiser before the main courses.

WHO’S THE NUTTER AND WHERES THE NUTTER?

(not near me….mummy help!)

Up next woz Nixon and Jarvis WOT ! A MAGIC SHOW! No no no… something woz appening for dem boys, but they got cooking eventually and a bit of spice woz added wen an “headland ” by the name of The Orme clambered up to initially introduce the band and then ended up spontaneously becoming its long lost frontman – was it a dream? GAS MARK 6

Meanwhile…..out in the car park the rugby league legend enjoys the moment he’d brought wid him ……..but the Anaemic Boys were in no mood, they’d already eaten their chips, which if I may add were probably bought from THE GAERWEN CHIPPY ! 3 Scollops portion of peas, dem boys cook up a bloody roasting selection of sweet and sour, which wetted the appetite of quite a few… I’ll say!

After a round of spinach and onion and… a Lager or tree the moon slipped slowly into view and silhouetted against it, stepped up The Salem and oh my! Did these boys step up to the mark alright, a lot of hair was shook and toes tapped the roof was fair pulsating so it was, (word as it ….”someone wet themselves”).

…… And well …fiends for some little twist of twisted fate A drumkit upped and fu*ked off, away from the Stage… this meant EVICTION, well of a type, ….but this is summat us boys are familiar wid and wid a resolute puff we upped arsels’ and along with that ragtagbag of nackers’, Bovine Wife we took POSSESION of the “Vanilla Bin Bag Stage”(the other stage ), well the Bovine Lactators stirred into motion … (the lot of ‘em need a bloody good wash…I wud’nt serve ‘em but I’d share a sarnie or two wiv ‘em…. ) …and behold! the stage woz a crowded, heaving enterteee,” it woz if did bin locked up in the basement and they were trying to escape by way ‘ of the speakers atcha’ too slap a bloody big kiss round yer’ chops”.

At this point I went for a kip so mi brother, Torn Tuptarmac, he watched the next band Skinflick,… ” They looked like real darlings, so they did, but they were fucking rotten, if they came round my end playing wot they played I’d drown mi children, so they couldn’t pollute their minds wiv their shitehawk moans and groans… and the Gobshites took forever to get off the stage…and cum to mention it, to Get on it!”

But that’s Torn for you, he’s a bit of a twat…. I’m sorry to say it but he is, so he is.

… He reckons ” you can’t go wrong wiv abit o’ cliff richard

Well … after we’d calmed Torn down, Smongolian Dethkit lurched into position, took an almighty bite out of the nights air and after they’d gorged themselves, along with assorted vagrant musicians and such like, they got on wiv the gig… I think they’re not very well, not very well at all.

Well…. wiv smiles firmly in places, the room breathed an assured sigh, (or at least it seemed like that from where I woz digging)…but before I cud straighten mi trousers up popped another one and…… WODDAWOPPA… Ectogram…lunged then plunged then eventually flung the dessert trolley…delightfully messed up and edgy.

< N O T I C E T O Q U I T >

Well…the fat bloke wiv his fat girlfriend were full on singin their heads off at the back of the room which certainly put a stop to the proceedings …”Every bodi owt!”..

…..well to say wid bin there all day and savoured quite a selection of local offerings

a running musical buffet, I tort it woz ok, i’d cum again next year but I’d be nailing the drumkit down, so I wud….No doh it woz great it’s a pitiful state of affairs that theres not a lot of venues in Bangor Aye!

I await your replys

BENt TUPTARMAC